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95.

Day 95_Book of Hours_FULL

The above page is a piece of tissue paper that covers my pastels.  I have handled it over and over again taking my pastels out to draw.  But today I noticed it.  I noticed the striations that aren’t particularly rainbow-ordered (I have given up trying to put 64 pieces of pastels away in rainbow order). It’s always been there.  For me, it is evidence of a process and a practice that made me accept a gift I thought I was never worthy of receiving.

The quote today reflects a lesson that I have learned over and over again throughout these past 100 days and during my daily mayBE project for the month of May.

In the beginning, I was afraid.  I was afraid that I would run out of things to say.  I was afraid the well would run dry. I was afraid that it would be too big a challenge to incorporate this activity into my very busy life.  After I committed to the project, there were countless moments when I thought,

What was I thinking??!?!

The first 30 scribbles were just thoughts and observations as I paid attention to the moment in front of me.  But towards the end of the first 30 days, I felt the need to incorporate something visual.  There were many reasons that I wanted to have a visual component besides a photo.   I wanted to force myself to use the beautiful supplies I had just been sent from Rowena at Paper Plus Cloth and not just admire the pretty crafty goodness in their packages on my shelf.  I also wanted to support her etsy shop because I am really grateful for the way she tends her business.  She doesn’t just run it.  It is a tending – she cares for it and nourishes it through her passion and creativity.  When you receive a package from her, you feel the love being sent too.

But I had no idea what I was going to do.  I was terrified to create in a visual way again.  Apart from chalkboard drawings and drawing things for kids’ lessons, I had not created anything visual for the sake of creating in about 7 years.  And I hadn’t drawn or sketched for the joy of it in over 20 years.

The first 30 scribbles began to open me up.  As I sat in stillness each morning during the sunrise, I felt the longing. The longing to pick up a pencil and just draw – not for the kids, not for their schoolwork, not for outside appreciation or approval, and not even for myself.  I just felt it needed to be done.

Needless to say, I told that part of me to shut up.  I wasn’t ready. I still had a lot of pain attached to the act of drawing. But then I had this idea for The Book of Hours. I told myself that I could simply copy a quote and just use washi tape and leftover scrapbooking supplies that I had lying around.

Then we went to my husband’s cottage retreat with his colleagues who are all entrepreneurs.  The creative and uplifting energy was buzzing all week.  I had meaningful conversations with many people.  I opened up even further.  I began to see things differently.

And I felt that longing again.

For my first Book of Hours entry, I used illuminated lettering and let myself freely embellish with just the pen.  For the second page and my first quote entry, I added a little watercolour paint.  For the third entry, I decided to copy a Monet painting with pastels.  Each time I sat at the table, I surrendered to the longing.  Sometimes I fought it.  But when I fought it, I couldn’t write.  I lost the understanding and the knowledge of the quote sitting in front of me.  It was just words.  I couldn’t even pick a washi tape to use.  I felt paralyzed.

I wanted to give up but I knew this was a practice.  A practice in choosing to receive.  Showing up to my Book of Hours was my signal that I was ready to receive.  I really just needed to get out of my own way.  It was already within me.  All I had to do was to see that and say YES.

I have said YES everyday for 100 days.

I didn’t see that one coming.

In hindsight, my month of mayBE was a warm-up, a way to begin the willingness to pay attention, to listen, to receive.

As I said YES in this area, in my 100 days project, finally receiving and accepting my artistic gifts, things began to flow.  Actually they began to overflow.  I had unblocked all this creative and abundant energy that was now spilling over into every other part of my life – my finances, my home, my homeschooling, my relationships, my parenting, and my physical body.

By July 14, I owned it. I shouted it to the world before I even drew my first picture.  I knew that it was time to finally accept what I have been refusing for most of my life.

And then that’s when the miracles began to happen.

(Tomorrow I will talk about what has happened since that day.)

***

100 scribbles…hurriedly writing the here and now.

#100scribbles

{ 4 comments… add one }
  • Rowena September 5, 2015, 2:26 pm

    So nice to have these last three posts with my coffee today and thank you for your support. As the shop gets busier, I get asked all the time why bother with all the wrapping and thank yous…it’s not very cost effective or efficient. And maybe with further growth it won’t always be possible, but I like to do it and I can, so I do because the hope is that every package sparks some joy : )

    • rozanne September 11, 2015, 10:20 pm

      Amazing. So happy to give you all the support I can!

  • Rowena September 5, 2015, 2:27 pm

    btw, that tissue paper is GORGEOUS – I want to sell it in my shop, lol.

    • rozanne September 11, 2015, 10:19 pm

      🙂 It’s 30 second artwork!

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