The following are excerpts from the post for Day 9 from 2019 and it is amazing to me how little things change:
When we visit Toronto, I am a mess.
It’s not the falling apart, sobbing on the bathroom floor type of mess.
It’s more of a tangled ball of yarn type of mess. The type where the more you try to untangle, the more tangled it gets. The disorganized chaos of knots. Every time I sit to untangle one, I inadvertently make one more.
It’s the mess where I am the chipped teacup again trying to drink without spilling.
The mess that is beautiful because I choose to feel, to connect, and to love.
That type of mess.
It’s that deep messy love in the face of longing for more while appreciating what you got.
It’s like I forget how to adapt to the cold, to the city, and to all of my relationships. I forget to breathe. I find myself holding my breath thinking this will at least keep the ball of yarn as a ball even if it’s a disheveled mess. The perception of a rough form is enough.
I often see this Leonard Cohen quote from his song Anthem:
There is a crack in everything (there is a crack in everything)
That’s how the light gets in
Leaving Toronto left a huge fissure, not just a crack. We are still learning how to build a bridge instead of climbing onto the branch that precariously hangs across the abyss, reaching for the other side.
We are learning to mend, how to knit with knots that may never really get untangled but will remain a part of the blanket of our family story.
- Copy the whole Leonard Cohen lyrics to that song. We forget the other lines that are lovely: “Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget the perfect offering.”
- Write about mess and the beautiful possibilities that can come from a messy situation, a messy relationship, a messy life.
- Draw/paint a mess on a blank page not worrying about what comes out of it.