I am grateful to be able to know when I am afraid.
Over the last few weeks, I have spent most of my energy on the Book of Hours Workshop, planning the homeschool learning centre, and my homeschooling lessons with the kids. I have woken up each day with a purpose and with hope.
Today was different. Even after a wonderful yoga class, I felt a little off. I wasn’t as cheerful with my husband. I was on the computer handling some unfinished business, getting angrier by the second. I started barking orders and being short with the kids. I watched myself and immediately decided to take some time to sit alone in my room while everyone else was still just getting started on their day.
Sometimes fear doesn’t manifest so obviously like when you are scared of heights, spiders, or the monster in your closet. Sometimes fear looks like irritation when things don’t go the way you expected. It can look like the anxiety of looking at bills and a dwindling bank account. It can show up as frustration with anything that happens to cross your path.
As I sat in my “off-ness,” staying with the feeling, I realized that I was afraid. I had an amazing week and doubt started to creep in. All of these projects filled me with joy but I began to wonder if I could sustain them. I wondered if I was enough. For the first time in a long time, I worried about the future. As I sat with my fear, I realized that I had been here before. To avoid being afraid, I would blame. I would control. I would fight to be right.
Now I wanted to look fear in the face and feel grateful for being aware of it. I sat in gratitude for this uncomfortable feeling. I used to run from it or numb it. I breathed it and watched it. I listened to it tell me to get angry, to defend myself, to retaliate. But I just continued to sit. My babies would come in and out of my room and I would silently hug them and they would leave the room, instinctively knowing to give me some space.
And then it happened. I could feel the space. The space created from my awareness. The me beyond the fear which spoke louder than its insidious lies. I counted blessings. I let light illuminate my darkest thoughts.
I let the love back in.
42 days of gratitude…giving thanks for it ALL.